Saltaire Summery
Volume 49, Issue 4
By Hugh O’Brien

This is the time of year we look forward to: the days are getting shorter, the activities are coming thick and fast, and the Fire Island News reverts to its weekly schedule, allowing me to keep track of upcoming events in a more relaxed and orderly manner, while taking three additional hours away from my life every week instead of every other week. All for a good cause, as the Rebs used to say while fighting for the Confederacy.

Topping the list of coming attractions is a newbie, a sort of firematic experiment, the first-ever (we dare not yet say "annual”) Saltaire Volunteer Fire Company (hereinafter SVFC) cocktail/hors d'oeuvres party, this Saturday, July 2, at the Saltaire firehouse (hereinafter SFH), 105 Broadway (the building's so easy to miss), from 5 to 7. p.m.; this isn't pancakes. And, as previously advertised, it's free! On the house, as it were. An array of tasty finger food (recipe courtesy Wendy's), beer, wine, VOX apple vodka (see last item), plus tours of the house, equipment demos and A's to any Q's you may have. All carefully scheduled so as not to interfere with any of the weekend's other main activities, and executed and chaperoned by friendly and dedicated SVFC fire and emergency personnel.

The hors d'oeuvres are all home made (mostly), and promise to be approximately excellent. This is the department's chance to show its appreciation for the community's support, so we hope you do drop by to sample the goods and check out the good the SVFC does.

Medics on the Go

Incidentally, you may have noticed the North Shore Hospital paramedics tooling around in their green go-cart of late; they're on call daily from 11 to 7, serving the tri-community oblast of Kismet, Saltaire and Fair Harbor, bringing primary emergency care to the masses.

The cart's jammed with life-saving gear, all augmenting our ambulance service, the front line of medical response.

Seriously though, the people peopling this service are able, gifted, caring individuals, and while they hope you'll never have need of their skills, should the occasion arise, you could not be in better hands.

The cart, by the way, is called an “Alligator,” an allusion, one trusts, to its color and not to any propensity toward sudden assaults upon unaware civilians. Oh, and, hey, C.K.!

Inter-communitarian Relations

Now, as our part in promoting cordial inter-communitarian relations, my friend Helen Kornblau from Fair Harbor sent word last week (a bit late for that deadline, but we have this more timely opportunity) of the annual Pine Walk Fair in F.H., this Saturday between 11 and 6. They actually hold this thing around Pine Walk; in Saltaire we usually call an event one thing then hold it somewhere or sometime else.

A huge new book sale (“new” is underlined, so I guess the books really are new) will be held in front of the Fair Harbor firehouse (hereinafter FHFH),with many additional vendors of jewelry, pottery, clothing, photos, etc. on hand. The biggest part of the fair appears to be the silent auction, featuring prizes such as: spa, massage sessions; haircuts, manicures, pedicures and facials (everything necessary for entry into the witness protection program); hotel packages; concert tickets; an airplane sightseeing ride (a last-minute substitute for the ten-trip East River helicopter tour discount book previously on offer); a faux white mink throw with pillows; the throw mink may be faux mink -- a little Ivor Novello there, eh? -- but the pillows are 100% stuffed with endangered plover feathers; and a host of other items, some of which I took the liberty of copying off the posters. Like: theatre tickets; Fire Island “treats” [sic] like ferry tickets and dinners for two at some of the finer island beaneries; sports tickets for the Mets (that auction should be silent), Knicks and Giants; and entrees at and to an assortment of glam NYC restaurants.

Anyway, full details on the signs posted at the FHFH and the large Saltaire Market window. Go if you get the chance, but please return in time for the SVFC party at 5. The last word goes to Groucho and Chico. “You know what an auction is, don't you?” “Sho'. I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.” That's for you, Jack, you public nuisance, you.

SCAA

The Saltaire Citizens' Advisory Association (hereinafter SCAA), under the leadership of Chair Clare Briody, held its annual members' meeting Sunday, a tiny bit better attended than in the last couple of years. Reports were read, the calendar reviewed, suggestions fielded and recruits to aid in various of the org's activities this summer signed on for the usual bonus.

Cheryl Valente, for one, gave a quick overview of August's Music and Arts Festival, assistance on which would doubtless be most welcomed.

Closer to the time, as we were reminded by the presence of Joy Brown in the audience, is the Grand and Glorious Saltaire Bazaar (hereinafter (GGSB), coming Saturday, July 16, from 1 to 3 p.m. at the SFH. An integral part of the SCAA calendar ever since St. Andrew's dropped it following the much-publicized arrests and police beatings in the notorious salt-and-pepper shaker-set scandal of 2000, the bazaar was rechristened (churches aren't the only ones who can pull that stuff) and relocated and has continued on its path of success ever since. Notices are already up on the ubiquitous Village Bulletin Boards (hereinafter VBBs) telling you just where and when to bring your donated items, such as soiled mattersses, for storage pending removal to the GGSB site on the day itself; they also give a brief list of proscribed items, principally soiled mattresses, but I love using that joke and can’t resist rehashing it every summer.

Other SCAAdenda....

Elections for the four seats up on the SCAA’s executive committee were also held at the meeting; an overdue change in the by-laws the other year allows members to be renewed for second consecutive terms, so good people aren’t pointlessly lost and don’t have an excuse to get off as quickly as they’d like. This year, three incumbents whose terms were ending -- Liv Hempel, Geri DiCostanzo and Grace Corradino -- were all senten-...um, elected to new terms. (Grace, who was appointed to an unexpired term in 2004, got her first full stint this go-round.) The fourth person elected was Bill James, chosen for hiswork ethic, fast boat, and to keep the gender balance of the group intact.

Clare, whose regular term ended last year, and who then took over the one year remaining in my old term following my election to the Board of Trustees (hereinafter BOT), decided not to seek a full new term and instead took over the remaining two years of the seat vacated by Pia Notaro Carroll after her election to the Board last month. If the SCAA can keep on supplying trustees for the BOT, Clare can continue serving for another couple of decades without ever having to commit to a full three-year term. If only!

Clare and Geri (as Treasurer) both voyaged down to Ocean Beach (hereinafter OB) last Saturday to present Fire Island Association President Jerry Stoddard (hereinafter FIAPJS) with a pair of checks: one for $2000, the SCAA’s annual dues to the FIA; the second, for $1465, representing the voluntary (a la North Korea) contributions for the FIA solicited by the SCAA from its own members, an idea borrowed from one or two other island community groups, and first requested in last year’s dues. Significantly, this year’s drive netted around a hundred dollars or so more than last year’s, a good sign, and many thanks from both FIA and SCAA (not to mention Stoddard himself)....

No, that’s not an oversight on the SCAA calendar: the 10K Run is indeed not being held this year, although Clare indicated that if a sufficient clamor arose (irate runners pounding on the Briodys’ door the morning of Sept. 10, or leaving headless trophies from last year on their deck furniture), this decision would be reconsidered; in time for a classy T-shirt, one would hope. Let’s see how the Jogathon goes, in mid-August.

The ‘05-'06 directories have been available for several weeks now, but all members are requested to take out their copies and make the requisite correction to the unfortunate error in the S’s. Through some mischance, Mrs. Seltzer’s first name somehow came out as “Arlene.” Only been here, what, 40 years or something? Right first letter, anyway. “ Alice”? “Andrea”? “Althea”? Whatever. Check with her husband, you know, whatsisname, Herbert.

Camp and library programs begin next week, as noted last week. Fourth-of-July field day actually on the 4th, contrary to traditional Saltiare practice; camp orientation Sat. at 10 a.m. at the House of Rec on Neptune.

Signs for the July 2 BOT meeting claim items of interest will be discussed when figured out. That’ll make it unique. But two weeks back members of the BOT got to take their first field trip in many years, adjourning very abruptly to Trustee Bob Cox’s boat for a fact-finding junket down west. (And I mean abruptly. Hey, let’s face it: which would you rather be doing: sitting around hemmed in by four walls with only a Coke machine for company, or seeking the lure of the open sea?)

The trip was to view close up the docks at the Coast Guard station and state park, on either side of the Rbt. Moses Bridge, to get an idea of their appearance, sturdiness, etc., in preparation for the reconstruction of our own dock beginning next fall. Advice: don’t tie up at the park’s dock. A disintegrating mess. The CG dock looks in pretty good shape, by contrast. It was a treat for new Trustee Pia Notaro Carroll to go for a ride her very first BOT meeting; while it’s not rare for trustees to get taken for a ride, it is unusual for the ride to take place in an actual conveyance.

Barbecue (Hereinafter BBQ)

Alert! Surveillance cameras and hidden microphones show conclusively that the number of grills, barbecues and smoke houses being imported into this village exceeds the number for which propane operating permits have been granted. Further, according to stoolies and paid snitches, several of these grills are of a non-propane-powered variety, in contravention of Village law. (The scent of lighter fluid wafting through the pines serves as a hint of this.)

Please be aware that only propane grills may be used, and that it is necessary to register these with the village, principally as a safety measure, so that the Fire Co. will know that there may be a propane tank at the site of a house fire. (And we’ve had two such fires in the past month, I remind you.) The fire marshall in this town is an animal. You don’t want to cross him, believe me. Same with the judge. Fines, and the removal of your grilling privileges, can and will befall any miscreant.

SYC

Finally, as Stan Laurel put it in “Sons of the Desert” (1933), “Notes from the club.”

In our case, the Saltaire Yacht Club (hereinafter SYC). The first “big” dinner of the season, the SYC’s All-American Fourth-of-July repast, will be held, Saltaire fashion, Sunday, the 3rd of July, with its traditional menu -- lobster, BBQ chicken, corn-on-the-cob and, as a special treat, rolls WITH butter (ration cards don’t bother the SYC). Those who fail to remember the repast are condemned to repeat it.

Meanwhile, the club’s regular dinners got off to a slightly disappointing beginning last Saturday, only a handful of customers, and six of them looking for Arby’s. Not too surprising, though, given the oft-commented-upon slow start to this summer. Griffin was a little upset because he had gone to the trouble of preparing several new dishes and there were too few people on hand to sample them and tell him what a great chef he is (which, by the not incidental way, he is).

But there remains the promise of Death Weekend 2005, i.e., the Fourth of July, soon upon us. Ever a pleasant time for the staff. In addition to Sunday’s dinner—say, do we get “freedom fries” with that?—on Saturday afternoon there’s the New Members’ Brunch, an occasion which, as you might surmise, reading between the lines, is limited to “new” members; i.e., NEW members, but which is always crashed by what are called “old” members, i.e., people who have been here a long time; i.e., if you’re not a new, i.e. recent, i.e. this year, i.e. you’ve basically never set foot in the place before, member, this brunch is not for you. You can come to another meal. Tuesday lunch. Or Wednesday dinner. Anything you like. Let the new members have their fun before we start grifting them in earnest.

Meanwhile, the first Friday BBQ went off reasonably okay, unaffected as yet, apparently, by Saltairians’ new freedom to grill out of doors. The big test here, too, comes this Friday. The new feature, Friday’s Sundaes, proved not unduly messy its first time out, though once again this Friday will be the supreme Sundae test.

Little did any of the happy customers casually slurping their ice cream know how close we’d come earlier that day to disaster, when the stewards took possession of an enormous carton of sprinkles just arrived from the States. Seems the shippers hadn’t troubled to (a) seal the box or (b) close the bag inside containing the sprinkles. Luckily, just before the girls picked it up, they noticed these lapses and were able to secure the package well enough to make it back to the club without having the entire contents bust out onto the street, or worse, through the surface of the dock; although, had the latter occurred, we at least would not have had to order extra sand fill for the replacement dock.

Incidentally, if you’ve wondered what that lunar-lander gizmo is in the SYC’s front yard, it’s a new instrument designed to measure wind speed, wind direction, and (somehow) the tides; if programmed correctly, it’ll also tell you the next ferry, recite the evening’s dinner specials and contact Mars. It’s actually linked to a substation set out on the crumbling dockhouse, which records the data and transmits it back to the home device across the harbor. Sailing personnel insist that the laser used to send the information poses no danger to life as long as you do not stay in the vicinity of the bayfront, between West and Pilot, longer than nine minutes a day, and, needless to say, don’t gaze in its direction at any time.

The Village of Saltaire (hereinafter VOS) gave the SYC permission to site the device on the dockhouse in exchange for 24-hour-a-day monitoring of its height above the waterline, a further sign of VOS’s interest in your comfort and in not being sued for dry-cleaning bills. Technology! Used to be we could accomplish the same thing (well, mostly) by filling a 55-gallon plastic trash bag with leftover helium, weighing it down with a folded tablecloth on which was spray-painted the slogan “Vuggum”, and launch it in a stiff breeze off the roof and out over the bay. Geoff Meluso, brains behind both efforts, has brought us a long way in 25 years, I must say.

And we close with the promised VOX explanation. Seems the SYC got a present from one of its liquor distributors, a bottle of something called VOX simulated artificial apple flavored vodka. VOX is actually the brand, a hitherto respected guzzle juice from the Netherlands, but the arrival of this particular variant caused massive recoiling at the bar this past weekend. Cool bottle, lots of little green bumps and stuff, the label spells “flavoured” with a u to make it sound educated and sophisticated, says it’s made with Granny Smith apples or whatever--a total Continental effect, no question. But Kate Azzinaro, abetted by Caroline Wise, insisted that the local conisseurs (yeah, so many around here) sample this swill. Once sipped, Kate inquired of each patron, just before he fell to the floor, “Doesn’t it taste like rubbing alcohol?”.

Truth be told, it did, which begs the question of just how so many persons at the Club that night actually knew what rubbing alcohol tasted like in the first place. Beg all you will, no out-of-school tales here.

But we do know VOX. Hereinafter, Voice of Xperience.