Nothing New Then; Nothing New Now
—taken from the July 4, 1970 Fire Island News (Vol. 14 No. 6)
By Patrick McGivern

In what some observers call “the most amazing development in the history of Fire Island,” nothing of any major consequence whatever occurred during the past week up and down the entire length of the barrier beach.

All week long, the FI News’ phones rang without cease as columnists, correspondents, stringers, informers, reliable sources, photographers and well-wishers alike reported the same tidings: nothing was happening anywhere.

No fires were reported, no floods, no burglaries, no lawsuits, no shooting, no political hassles.

This reporter personally toured the entire island during the course of the week to determine the truth of the telephoned reports.

The findings were these:

Nothing happened in Kismet.

Nothing happened in Saltaire.

Nothing happened in Fair Harbor.

In Duneville, Lonelyville and Corneille Estates, nothing happened.

Nothing happened in Ocean Beach, or in Seaview, or in Ocean Bay Park. Further east, it was the same story. Nothing happened in Point O’ Woods, Sunken Forest, Sailor’s Haven.

Nothing happened in Cherry Grove or Fire Island Pines. Up in Ocean Ridge and Davis Park, the situation was even more intense – absolutely nothing happening at all.

By this time, this reporter grew so bored that, en route further east to Watch Hill to survey non-developments there, he turned apathetically back.

(Later, usually reliable sources in Watch Hill maintained that nothing had happened there.)

Talkative people were telephoned. None had anything to say.

Colorful personalities were interviewed. Their comments were disjointed, spastic, dull.

Pictures were taken, but either didn’t come out at all or showed, in plain black and white, that nothing was happening.

Vainly, this reporter sought a bitter election duel, a new report on the disaster the Island faces from the sea, rumors about a Robert Moses island-long road plot, etc. But absolutely nothing was happening anywhere.

Rough winds roiled up Great South Bay Saturday evening, but no boats sank.

The sun beat heavily down on the beaches Sunday, but not even a case of sunburn was reported.

No dogs or children were lost, or found.

“It was a quiet weekend,” Ocean Beach Police Chief Joe Loeffler commented, filing flecks of rust from his handcuffs.

“The most amazing development in the island’s history,” said Dr. Harrison Smeltte, N.Y.U. Journalism professor and frequent island visitor, “I hope it never happens again.”

“I’ve never seen the likes of this before,” commented a bartender in the Pines Hotel, “Not even one witty, scathing remark.”

No ferries were late, or on time. Up and down the island, the story was the same. Nothing happened anywhere.

Many people had “fun.” Many people did not. Some scored – whatever they were scoring. Some did not. The sun rose. The sun set. Except for the splendid young lady this reporter met Saturday evening, there was nothing new under it.